"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the bleep."

My husband and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we've finished."

"Hello. I am Mel's answering machine. What are you?"

(From Japanese friend in Iceland) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! Mel's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is Mel . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of recording messages. My owners do not need double glazing, or a whirlpool tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their photograph taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

Hi! You have reached the Mel's residence. he's not home right now............wait a minute I think I see him coming........